You could use the Internet to order a few bags of inexpensive, good candy to give out to kids who show up on your doorstep this Halloween. But that’s not what is happening here, on this blog. Not tonight. No, I want to show you that it’s possible to order a box of TEN POUNDS OF BULK CANDY CORN, the worst candy known to man.
When Halloween comes, set that box out on your porch, and when kids approach, dig your dirty hands into it and drop fistfuls of the disgusting unwrapped triangles straight into their pillowcases. Tell every little Spiderman “What are you? A firefighter?” Ask every Disney princess “What are you? A firefighter?” It’s Halloween, you entitled little Nintendo addicts, have fun picking rainbow hell-wax out of your real candy.